Sinister Soon

This evening after the girls were snuggled off to sleep I collapsed on the couch, worn out by the 9+ hour day I had just logged at work. Timm and I had seen each other briefly, long enough to sit down for a dinner of eggs and toast, before he had headed out to give plasma which is yet another way we are raising the funds needed to adopt Angelina. The house was calm, tidy, and quiet, I was tired but content with our hard day’s work; the news waiting in my email took me completely by surprise, shattering my peace.

“I did hear from L_____ today to say that there is a very good chance that she (Angelina) will be transferred soon :(”

I immediately responded asking how soon is soon? Could it possibly mean an Aslan ” to me all times are soon” sort of soon, some kind of an indefinite future that may or may not come to pass? I could live with that kind of soon because maybe that would mean we could still be in time to scoop her up before such a wretched transfer occurs.

Or does soon mean tomorrow?

For Angelina, soon most likely means the end of the summer. I don’t know the region where she will go, what kind of place it is other than that it isn’t supposed to be “any worse” than where she is now…

For some reason I had been working under the delusion that the act of committing to Angelina would somehow give her a little protection, the orphanage would know she would be gone soon anyway so why uproot her twice? But in her country the government does not acknowledge commitments until we have flown over to the country (after all the dance of homestudy, finger prints, background checks blah blah blah is done here) and been given files for a few different children with Angelina in among the bunch, chosen Angelina to meet with her, had her approve the adoption, and then completed the adoption with judges who may or may not be “pro adoption”. Up until that point we are powerless, no rights, no say, no chance to protect her.

I have to accept we will not be there in time to adopt her before this happens according to the estimated timeline. Of course we are now adding in the fervent prayer that God will keep Angelina in her baby house, a place that she knows, a place where she is known, rather than letting her go off to strange environment where she will inevitably be at the bottom of the pecking order.

Angelina has no knowledge of all this swirling around, she certainly has no say in the course the government chooses for her life.  She has no way of knowing that she is loved, that she needs to keep fighting for life all alone just a little longer, that this transfer does not mean she is forgotten and unlovable.

Until today I’ve felt that our adoption was going so well, all according to plan (my plan at least) but this news has me worried. In the past week we have learned of two children in Angelina’s country who died while waiting for a family to call their own and their medical diagnosis are not as long as Angelina’s.
In the past month we’ve heard from families who have met Angelina while adopting their own children. They have told us how the carers there seem to genuinely love the children, how there is a place to play outside, how our Angelina seems to be a favorite among the nannies and a big sister to the littlest orphans, and all this now seems so safe compared to what is fast approaching.

Adoption in traumatic, we’ve heard that over and over again and we definitely don’t doubt it. We are preparing as much as possible for parenting a child who has survived trauma, but folks the potential for significantly increased trauma in her life goes up exponentially with a transfer.

It feels like this post is a 180 from the one I wrote only yesterday. It is unedited, raw, and probably full of wretched grammatical errors but here it is. May God, our heavenly Father who sent his only begotten son into our world to die for us that our sins may be forgiven so we may live as sons and daughters of the King for all eternity guide and protect Angelina. Amen.

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